fifty-two days later.

the last couple of days i've been making lists: things i'll miss, things i won't miss, and things i cant wait for at home.

i have such mixed feelings right now. i'm finally back in singapore, the place where it all began, and the place where it all will end. part of me feels like i just left yesterday, but the extra twenty pounds on my bookbag says that it has been a bit longer than that.

and i'm wasn't quite ready to be home, but i never will be.

can't you all just fly out here for a bit and let me go along my peaceful ways again?

i'm lying. that won't actually do. i'd need to take some of you with me for the rest of the trip. and then when would i actually be home? where would home be? for some people, home is the ability to breathe and exist, the need to thrive on the challenge and lack of security of a new place. though that has been home for me these last two months, and though i'm more than comfortable with this ideal, it's not what i want right now.

right now i want my favorites, friends and family, and the places that feel familiar. i want the freedom of deafening myself with the music in my car; i want lucy to be annoying as shit at 7am, but cute around 12 when i wake up; i want to run the .75 mile loop that i have a love/hate relationship with in new cumberland four times, even though i'll try to tell myself that it's okay to knock it down to three; i want to call lauren and jeff and get pissed when they're working and can't get ice cream with me; i want to hear allison say "can't you just sit down and watch tv for one night?"; i want my horse to give me the look of death when i show up with a saddle; and i want to eat chocolate that has an abnormal amount of sugar in it to satisfy americans' cravings.

i want to look for apartments in virginia, and i want my damn acceptance letter.

(i just hope it comes in the form of an acceptance letter)

..

but despite all of these familiar things, i can't forget what i've just experienced. now is the time for me to reflect. i've already been asked, what was your favorite part of the trip?

i can't answer that.

in my opinion, it's impossible to answer. there is just no way to compare the beaches of ko tao to the horrors of the vietnam museum to the majesty of ta prohm, to the sunrises over the indonesian mountains.

it's like comparing apples and oranges. you just can't do it.
so i've compiled a few other points.

things i can answer:
favorite country: cambodia wins as my favorite country. the people here were phenominal. despite the sun beating down on me like a fried egg and my sweat glands getting more of a workout that i do in hockey season, everyone always had a smile on their faces. the citizens were extremely open about the horrible past of their country, and were never ashamed to say that they were cambodian, or that they lived through the atroscity. i, myself, was ashamed to say that i was american while in the war museum in vietnam after seeing everything that my country was responsible for even though i didn't live through that time and had nothing to do with the war. the resilience of the people of cambodia was overwhelmingly inspiring and heartwarming enough to make a person cry tears of hope. just how does a person deal with the results of genocide? how do you get through watching friends and family suffer and die, being separated, and living a mundane life with no promise of ever regaining purpose to breathe? it was awe-inspiring.

least favorite country: thailand for the people, vietnam for the interest. i am saddened at our stay in vietnam, as i know that hanoi and hoi an would have been much better places to spend our time, but would never take back our aussi friends that we met there.

best investment: diving, of course! you can't beat getting certified for less than three hundred dollars when in many places, that's what you might pay to dsd. seeing life underwater the way we did was like watching the sunset change colors after a storm. i could have sat in one spot under water all day and watched the life pass me by. i can't wait to dive again.

first place to revisit: the library on jocean's farm. the library was the most peaceful place on the trip. at any time i could climb the rickety ladder (on which i thought i might lose my life sometimes) and just sit. sometimes the call to prayer would ring in the distance, echoing through the open air, proving just how grandeur that spot on the mountain was.

ta prohm was equally amazing, but i'd only go again at 5am before the crowds. there was something about the ambiance of that place, the genuine feeling of living history that i couldn't get enough of. it was a sense of adventure, yes, but the nobility and character that came with the ruins of the buildings mixed with the walls that may stand forever, which were still overtaken by trees younger than the temples themselves. such a complex thought that produced such a dignified aura.

place least recommended: all are worth going back to.

most valuable use of time: is it bad to say blogging? this has been my one way of keeping track of my thoughts and making sure i don't lose some of the best memories, as well as keeping everyone posted with the latest news. this way, everyone knows the same things that occurred, and i don't have to retell stories thirty five times. it's much easier to discuss something that people are familiar with first.

biggest regret: not getting to chaing rai / chaing mai. these were two places i really wanted to see in thailand before this trip was even in the making, but it just wasn't practical. i hate that we cut out so many cities (kuala lumpur, bangkok, and hanoi), but we already spent much more time in buses, boats, planes, and taxis than we wanted to getting from one place to another that it was just easier to stay in certain places longer than others and cut out cities. but chaing rai and chaing mai would have been worth it.

favorite food: thai. then indonesian. both were spicy but still had a lot of flavor to accompany the heat. yumm.

important lessons learned: buy a one way ticket. don't set any plans in stone (buying flights for during the trip until 2-3 days before). you will spend much more money than you intend.

favorite parts about traveling: random conversations with people i'll never meet again; trying new food, even if i hate it; motos; the challenge of navigating new countries independently; and screwing up that results in ridiculous situations.

things i will miss: dragonfruit. motos. hot weather. mangos. breakfast and coffee every morning. speaking indonesian. shakes. spicey food. kids that point and stare. parents that point and stare. kope. "ladeeeey, you want tuk-tuk?" the peaceful aura. sweetened condensed milk in abundance. waking up with no obligations. dinner with strangers. dancing with prostitutes. cheap massages. spring rolls. not working. bargaining. alex asking for salt. cheap silk. telling people i'm american. clear air. no-bars conversations with alex 24/7. the guess-the-accent-game. shooping as much as i want. the need to write. teaching people kings. cute asian kids. cambodian smiles. waking up at a decent hour (let's be honest. i won't do this at home). palm trees & coconuts. chopsticks. lady-boys. sundenese. picking my own food. diving. being tan. colorful money. taking my shoes off to go in stores. but most of all, my new girlfriend, alex.

things i won't miss (actually, things i dont want to admit that i'll miss): sweating. crazy drivers. ants. sad museums. "ladeeeey, you want tuk-tuk?" chang & tiger beer. the city smell. crossing boarders. filling out immigration papers. mosquitos. mosquito bites. cats. feeling like a walking atm. asian music. any language that is not english. horns. dirty flipflops. squat toilets & carrying toilet paper "just in case". cold showers. uncomfortable beds. the lost concept of a "line/que." shitty internet. paying for shitty internet. having my slr attached to my hip. adjusting times. flights. spending too much money.

things i can't wait for: favs & fam, obvi. zuki. real chocolate. music. alice in wonderland. beer. good american beer. bad american beer. american beer. my own computer. dogs that respond to humans. wings. english as a first language. my horse.

and whatever life decides to throw my way next.

..

these last two days have been a time for me to reflect everything about what i've just done. what was the purpose? what did i gain from it? i didn't do this trip to find myself, i can do that at home... or to find out how i can save the world, because i'll never be able to do that... or to show everyone that i could just to do it, because hell, we all know by now that i'm a stubborn bitch and i do what i want when i want, and i didn't need to fly halfway across the world to prove that.

i did it for my own self-gain.

so was it selfish? maybe. it wasn't necessary. i didn't need to do this, i just wanted it, and i've wanted it for so long. i love independence, i love to go with no direction. but i've learned so much more than i could in any classroom, i've grown to appreciate more aspects of life than i could begin to list, and i have been humbled. there is nothing more inspiring than everything you've never seen or never known.

you do it to meet people. to see places. to experience and to journey. it's about moving, about learning and loving where you are and where you have been. the expected and the unexpected. about having plans, but no real plans, and not needing to be anywhere. it's about wandering, with and without maps, losing yourself even when you know where you are, and forgetting what time of day it is when the sun is setting behind the horizon. it's hard to live in the moment when things can be so monotonous at home, but being able to appreciate the present... instead of counting down hours to something in the future or remembering something fun from the past... is so difficult to do, but an amazing feeling to really understand the present and not want it to slip by, but it does every second of the day.

..

so this is it. the last post. it seemed like it would never come in the beginning, that 52 days away was just going to be a surreal time lapse. but here it is.

thank you to anyone who has read this and followed us along the way. as much as a pain in the ass this blog was for the two of us, and no matter how much we complained when we weren't at the computers, alex and i really enjoyed writing them. and we loved knowing that at least a few people were keeping up with us. the support from home has been extremely necessary and appreciated.

im not even sure what to say anymore. all i know that is that i am so overwhelmed at this point and i can't even separate everything i feel about what we've done and where we've been.

all i know is that i loved it.

but i am a believr in the idea that you can't fully appreciate where you've been until you leave.

and, for now, i'm ready to come home.

..







Y rae. racho. d.